Guilty

16 January 2010

The moment you open your eyes, you ask yourself: What have I done?

At 11:24pm of this month's 15th day, I was charged guilty against a crime of something I cannot perfectly describe. Everyone feels this way when searching for something that can bring simple happiness. Due to sadness, a laughter is enough to persuade your mind that it makes you light and easy; but in your core is a guilty rush that tears your heart, a friend is out there wandering to bring real joy.

We were taught in school that a principle exists and must be followed in communication: "Think - Say - Think". It is an effective way for a continuous flow of ideas. But just like a school, experiences teach us a guilt-free rule: "Think - DO - Think". It is an excellent way to avoid being charged and judged upon something we do but wish we did not.

Then, there are these sweet craps that you cannot resist. It is like the smell of fresh fruits in a box; taste it to believe it, but the seeds bring disappointment. Try to think of it, these seeds are the future, and you just need to learn how to deal with it and plant it in the right time. You are too hungry that you swallow the whole fruit you forgot the little craps at the center.

So be careful. The sweetness in doing what you want and what feels good... it may be the most bitter feeling inside. Deep within, you know it was not right and it will never be right. Control your emotions, the "frenzy" won't really last even for a minute or so. Learn to be patient, these seeds may be unworthy this time, but in the long run, they are precious.

Before doing something, think of the guilt-free rule. Close your eyes and make sure you open it feeling really happy and contented. Take things slowly but surely.

His Western Haven

Homeless

December 07, 2009

Lately, the weather is a bit harsh: it may lead to cold sores, dry skin and chills. People tend to wear thermals and a hoodie paired with mittens. After a day of shopping spree, coffee shops are packed with customers feeling the warm touch of the cup and the aroma of the drink combined with the sweet taste of donuts. Indeed, the season we are all waiting for has arrived: Christmas -- the time of giving and celebrations.

I was in a hurry to Surrey Central bus stops while sipping my favorite Starbucks Coffee. A young man crosses the street and catches my tired eyes. He has scratches in his face and a fresh wound on his right cheek; he looks scary at first. Wearing only a shirt, a pair of light blue jeans and red waterproof jacket, he asks me if I have some coins in the pocket. That was the time I knew he is a homeless young man… a boy walking in a cool, starless night. I said, “I’m sorry, this coffee is just a treat by a friend.” Then I went straight to the stop while glancing back at the poor guy. He was shivering.

I step on the bus, grab my fare card and sit near the rear door. Then the following facts crossed my mind: I have lots of coins in my pocket and purse, I am sipping a hot cup of coffee, and I am wearing a jacket, a hoodie and a shirt. It was a time my mind went back to that particular moment I saw the young guy, (I guess) same age as mine -- and the fact that I am more fortunate than him. Eventually, I was not able to stop something.

For 3 months and 8 days, I have received every single thing that I need in preparation for the winter -- mittens, hats/ear warmers, thermal pants & shirts, winter shoes and lots of stuffs. I sleep in my own room with a lamp shade, comfy spacious bed and a TV. I have 2 jobs providing adequate compensation, an amount that is enough for my expenses. I have an awesome shelter, a beautiful and safe one; it keeps my family warm and offers protection against the arctic weather and wind chills.

It is not the bus that I was not able to stop; it’s the flashbacks of fortunate events and memories of communion. And my tears began to shed. A work of destiny which is very unusual – a man crosses your course and changes your life (for more or less 10 seconds) – but certainly, an art of God waking us up for appreciating what we have.

I thank that guy for choosing me, talking to me. I felt really sorry for what I did, I was very guilty. I arrived at home sound and safe, feeling very privileged of what my family has… and what that homeless guy may not have.

Now, go to the mirror and check yourself: are you wearing decent clothes and feeling secured with your life? Roam your eyes into your room and ask yourself: Do I still need more? Am I very lucky to have this and that?

Not all people are lucky, and we shall be thankful for being one. Appreciate what we have -- shelter, clothing, food, warmth and safety -- and think of others who may not have, but only themselves.

His Western Haven

Reason

April 29, 2009

CJCS is not really meant to be "mine". God chose CJCS to be the instrument of my own realization: the key why I feel these beautiful painful emotions. CJCS is one in a lifetime, a perfect example of forever; a strong, brilliant and great person.

Sometimes, what you want is not the thing you will receive. CJCS is perfect. But then again, what will I get if I have my perfection? Will I be happy? I realized, what we need is a person who is not perfect, but the one who will make us feel real joy, feel in love and be loved in return. Someone who manages to bring the best in both of you, who will hold your hand on moments of trouble, who is proud to say "I love you forever", brave enough to introduce you to his/her friends/family, and someone who is ready to be with you wherever fate takes you. I long to hear from somebody who will tell me that you are my heaven and earth.

Perfection is nothing when your heart is not with the "right" person at a "right" time. We do not need a flawless guy/girl to complete or complement us but somebody who accepts you for who you are. Then, everything seems perfect.

As what Brida’s father said, "Nothing is ever completely wrong in this world. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day." I shall admit I committed a very big mistake, faced the cruelest repercussions; I became selfish. But after all, I feel blessed that He made me realize my mistakes. I feel blessed that God healed my wounded heart.

His Eastern Haven

Retreat

BSN43 Retreat
January 26-28, 2009

Retreat -- isang college event na gustung-gusto ng mga graduating students. Dito, nawawala, kahit saglit, sa kanilang mga pagod at aktibong isipan ang maraming "stressors" tulad ng requirements, exams at mga pahirap na professors. Mas nagiging malaya ang kanilang isipan, ang mga kani-kanilang saloobin ay nailalabas, mas nagiging makulay ang pagkakaibigan, at totoong napapansin ang Diyos sa panahong kailangan Siya.

May tatlong synonyms ang "Retreat". Una ay ang "Haven" na katulad ng activity ng section namin ngayon, pangalawa ay "Move Away", at panghuli ang "Departure". Sa pagkakataong ito, lapat sa tatlong synonyms ng retreat ang mga sumusunod: College Retreat para sa "Haven", "Departure" dahil sa nalalapit na Graduation, at "Move Away" para sa paglayo ko sa kanya, kay RRT.

Sa Cottage 7B, kasama ko sina YASM, KTD, RVM, RRT at DMS. Tingin ko'y tulog na silang lahat maliban kay RRT. Hindi makatulog si RRT; para bang may iniisip siya. Hindi ko alam ang nararamdaman niya ngayon. Dahil ba sa magkasama kami sa iisang kwarto o iniisip niya si BSB?

Tila ang oras ay bumabagal, nakakabingi ang katahimikan, nakatitig ako sa kanya ngayon. Isang pagkakataon, isang gabi, isang kasawian. Abot-kamay ko lamang siya. Pero ang isip niya'y parang nasa kabilang dako ng Oasis. Naalala ko tuloy ang nangyari sa Mini Stop, ang nagmulat sa aking mga mata sa katotohanang hinding-hindi ko siya mahahaplos kailanman. Kalmado ang lahat pero ang puso ko'y binabayo nang matinding inggit at selos.

Nakikita ko siya pero hindi ko maabot. Kami'y nasa isang bubong ngunit ibang tao ang nasa isip niya. Nagtatagpo ang aming mga mata subalit walang kislap. Sa iba'y tunay ang kanyang mga ngiti ngunit hindi sa akin.

Oasis of Prayer
Lalaan II, Silang, Cavite
Philippines